Decided to Be Decisive

By -
You can't cram in life. It only creates strife. 
Be the choice wrong or right
Just drop the fight
And do it right

You have a purpose, a mission. 
Go and live it. 
Stop retracing your steps, 
Time to jump in it. 


I am constantly re-deciding to be a teacher. It would be so settling to be decisive. To know that I am not adjusting my work commitments and just proceed ahead. But that's not who I am. I am a thinker. I've tossed around the same question of "should I work" so long that it morphed into, "how much should I work" until it reached a point where my best friend identified my work cycle.


Stage One: Made a commitment
Stage Two: Overwhelmed with the commitment
Stage Three: Cut back my responsibilities
Stage Four: Bored so make more commitments
Then back to stage two and round again.


She figured that out a while ago. A year or two even. So for the first year I followed the cycle as usual with her laughing sadly. At the start of this year I was much more aware of what I committed to, and my load is quite reasonable for my capacity. (Later in the year, with my child older and the commitments more secure I might add more and I will be OK. Instead of cutting back responsibilities at that point, I can outsource for support to keep going.)


Even so, it takes time to adjust to anything new and for the first few weeks I would crash every weekend. By the 5th or 6th week I began to luxuriate in my Monday rather than frenetically get things done. That engendered a whole new problem - I started to enjoy the day off and not want the busy tomorrow! I wanted every day to be the day before I teach.


I'm just gonna stop asking the question. This is my life. This is who I am. Accept it. Live it. Love it. Repeat. That's the new cycle.

At the end of the day all the back and forthing is only the Yetzer Hara messing with my capacity to turn over the world. Safek (doubt) is the worst kind of Amalek. I heard a great podcast on this point. Dr. Mimi Knoll talks about how if she were a stay at home mom, she would be amazing. She just made a different choice and now go ahead and figure out the details. 

Time to change the steps of the dance. I have a new cycle, so skip and prance!

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