Should I go Through With It?

The bottom line is, I need to be at peace with whatever decision I make. It really can work both ways. This, then, is the dilemma of choice: Choosing.

There's a recurrent theme on this blog (and in my life!) I'm a teacher. I'm a mother. And a person somewhere in between... I constantly strive to hit the perfect balance. I'm sure I'm not alone in this struggle. Currently the struggle is taking shape in the number of subjects I've committed to teach. Roughly two weeks ago I gave notice to my head of department that I'd like to drop a subject. The transition period was (is) rife with regret. I just can't let go. I keep rethinking the decision.

Intriguingly, a student asked me if the Tanya had any advice for decision-making. I loved the question - I could so relate. My nature is so indecisive and when choosing between right and right, well... the responsibility is on me and it's just not too fun.

On my Shabbos morning walk I churned out the following song to sum up my struggle:

TTTO V'harikosi L'chem Bracha
Countless Brachos
Given to us
Without much fuss
So that we
Can do with them what we must

But there is a factor
We've limited hours 
Only 168 each week

It's up to me to choose
To use and not abuse
Achieving whatever aim I seek

When starting this post I'd planned to hammer out the nitty-gritty pros and cons, professional concerns vs. personal concerns as I've done time and again. 

There's really no point. 

As I said, I've gone through it again and again with pretty much anyone who was semi-willing to give me the time of day. 

I enjoy being home with Mendel. I enjoy teaching Tanya and Jewish History. The two seem to clash, but they don't. I would not enjoy either one  if it was the exclusive sum-total of my existence. It's just hard to admit that I'm letting go of Chumash... I want to and I don't want to... Both ways can work, but at the end of the day I've got to live peacefully with the final decision. 

Davening for the Bitachon that Hashem is guiding me.


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